Always good to open a month with a guest author, right?

Hmm…This may only seem funny to me b/c I was actually there, but, hopefully, you’ll find it funny too.Now, let me explain a few things first. Sheldon (and that is his real name, I just figured the likelihood of him stumbling on this site are slim to none) is my older bro. He’s a complete jerk. He’s judgemental, he’s stupid, the list goes on. These are actual conversations I’ve had with him over our lives. I’ll probably do a lot of features like this about different members of my family since they are all so entertaining. So, consider this the first of many.

These first few conversations deal with the fact that Sheldon is, for some reason, convinced that I’m a lesbian. I don’t know where he gets it from, but it really annoys the hell out of me.

I’m on the computer, per usual, talking to one of my friends and Sheldon keeps bothering me to go to the Abercrombie and Fitch site (which, of course, is going to piss me off to begin with). I get to the site and the very first pic is a guy w/o a shirt on and his jeans are unbuttoned. Okay, he’s a pretty good-looking guy, just not really my type. Well, the harassment ensues.

Athena: (slightly caught off-guard by the half-naked guy on her computer) ….nice.
Sheldon: (can’t help but notice the slight stiffening up) Ooh, I bet you want to print out that pic.
Athena: Not really. He’s not my type.
Sheldon: What? You mean good-looking.
Athena: *groans*
Sheldon: Oh wait, I get it…it’s b/c he’s a guy right?
Athena: FOR THE LAST TIME!!! I’M NOT A LESBIAN!!!

(okay, I probably should have made a crack about the fact that he found the guy good-looking, but I was tired. So, forgive me.)

We’re at a restaurant and Sheldon’s just in the mood to pick a fight with me again. Here goes.

Athena: I just really don’t like to wear dresses.
Sheldon: Really? Do you shave your legs?
Athena: …yes
Sheldon: Your armpits?
Athena: (begins to see where this is going) …yes
Sheldon: Do you like guys?
Athena: Yes, but don’t worry. If I ever meet a girl and decide I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ll make sure to never bring her home for Christmas.

(what makes this funnier is that my dad and my grandparents were sitting at the table at this time and I think I almost gave my great-aunt Sarah a coronary. For some reason all they heard was “girl” and “spend the rest of my life with”…in case you couldn’t tell, I haven’t broken the news that I’m bi to them yet and I’m certainly not going to anytime soon.)

This last one is the funniest. I forget that, being a gamer, things that are going to be commonplace to me are going to be completely foreign to him. Still, I think he should have at least known what I was talking about.

Athena: You want to borrow games for the PS2?
Sheldon: (has to translate) You mean the PlayStation2?
Athena: Yeah
Sheldon: Yeah
Athena: Okay, what types of games have you played so far?
Sheldon: All sports games
Athena: (grimaces) I don’t have any sports games.
Sheldon: That’s all right. I want to broaden my horizons.
Athena: (perks up a little bit) Great!!! Have you ever played an RPG?
Sheldon: …..An….RP….huh?
Athena: An RPG
Sheldon: Spell it out for me.
Athena: A role-playing game
Sheldon: What the hell is that?
Athena: ….nevermind. How about an FPS? (okay, I know he’s not going to know what that is. I’m just having fun at this point)
Sheldon: ………………………
Athena: A first-person shooter
Sheldon: ………………………
Athena: ……………….Racing!!!! You’ve played a racing game before right.
Sheldon: (excited that I’ve finally said something he understands) YES!!! YES!!! VROOOM VROOM!!! Yes, I know what you’re talking about. Just give me anything tha keeps me away from reality and keeps me from having to talk to my wife.

*His wife was sitting right next to him, but then she was encouraging me as well….and this is supposed to give me a good opinion about marriage. I’ve seen these two try to beat each other up with Sprite bottles….sad.