If we sleep together, will you give me that apple in the fridge? I’m kinda hungry…
1) For hundreds of years, since the founding of the first Universities, they have struggled to create new and interesting pits of fire for you to jump across to register for courses. These range from the mundane, archaic and labyrinthine phone systems that were created a cruel joke by a stoned dean sometime in 1965, to the more traditional pits of fire with completed schedules waiting on the other side in the maws of Cerberus, which is still the preferred method of getting into Principles of Modern Cinema at Stanford. The most modern method is the online registration method, which involves stamina, patience, profanity and whiskey to complete properly, and even then you wind up wondering why you have nine sections of Organic Chemistry when all you wanted was one damn history course. But, too late, its past drop/add! Its enough to make a dove cry.
2) Have you ever replaced every single phone in your house at the same time? I highly recommend it! Over the course of time, the various phones form a choir in your mind. You recognize their harmony, and come to either love it (That call I was expecting has finally been placed! Oh Clarice, I love thee so!) or hate it (Mother-fucking telemarketing cuntrags ), but you always know what to expect from it. It is your phone choir. You replace one phone in the bunch, and its like a new voice added to the group. Its different, but it soon fits right in, and you go about life. Replacing every phone at once produces a wholly different effect. You can sometimes get lulled into a sort of stupor by your accustomedness to your old phones (What is that noise? By-golly, it must be the telephone!). Replacing all of them fixes this problem by giving you a sonic-induced brain hemorrhage whenever the phone rings. Ten thousand angry and unfamiliar voices cry out in harsh tones, begging you to end their misery, please, answer them! Only then will the pain stop! COMPLETE THEM!
It really sucks.
3) I am too young a man to live without water pressure. Also, I have way too much hair. Just so you know.
4) American coins are wimpy. The quarter, the buffest of them all, is a thin, silvery, effeminate little coin with no spine. A 2 Euro coin would totally bitch-slap that thing all over the place in a fight. Is this the sort of statement we want to be making with our money? That it can be beat up by something that can be legally minted in France? I suggest a new five-dollar coin that weighs two pounds and is made out of pig iron. Thatll show those pansy chefs.
5) Dust sucks. We should start a federal program to eliminate it, or ship it as Soylent Gray to third world countries. Whichever is cheaper.
