Wear your seaman’s shoes.
Recently, The Jux Ententes own Graeme Hefner was interviewed by a small teen magazine. It wasnt really what he expected of his first interview as a celebrity, but he went with the flow. It seemed worth it at the time. The actual full interview went on for hours, so it is reprinted here only in excerpts.
EM : If you were to predict what your generation will contribute to the world, what would you say?
GH : Most likely a few more interstates, a cure for AIDS, hydrogen fuel cells, and the Best. Pogrom. Ever.
EM : If you were to name the person you try to act like the most, who would it be?
GH : Jewel. That song Under the Water is totally hat! Ive lived my life by it for six or seven years. So, yeah, her or Jesus.
EM : If you were to name a belief you hold that is different from that of all of your friends, what would it be?
GH : I believe Im rich.
EM : If there is one mistake you would like your generation not to repeat, what would you say it is?
GH : Id say disco, but weve already brought back swing music, so
Hubert Humphrey.
EM : If you were to describe the ideal after-school hangout, what would it be like and who would you want hanging out there?
GH : Back in high school we used to hang out in Kmart all the time. I was air conditioned, and it had toys and food. We got kicked out a lot, on purpose. Department stores are an awesome place to hang out, assuming your friends are intelligent enough to know who not to hit during a funoodle fight. Mine werent.
EM : If you were to name the coolest person in history, who would it be?
GH : Either Alexander the Great or Octavian. I can never decide. I guess Augustus, since his empire outlived him by a few hundred years, instead of a few hundred minutes.
EM : If you discovered your girlfriend seriously flirting with someone else, what would you do?
GH : The last time I cried for a few hours, yelled (expletive) a lot, and then drove over homeless people in my Pontiac. That made me feel better. I gave them food afterwards. Those that could breathe, anyway.
EM : If you were to describe the perfect girlfriend, what would you say?
GH : I would say j0 and walk away. Next question?
EM : If you could be invited on tour with one rock band or musician, even just to watch every night, which one would you choose to go with?
GH : Kurt Cobains corpse. Natch.
EM : If you had an amazing first date tonight, who is the first person youd tell about it?
GH : My girlfriend, probably. I imagine shed want to know all about it.
EM : If you could be picked up from school by someone famous, and make sure all of your friends could see, who would you choose and how would that person arrive?
GH : Well, I guess first everyone would be assembled on the Campus Green so they could see. Then Joseph Lieberman would appear driving my brand-new Porsche 911 Turbo. He would give me the keys and get out of the car. I would then floor the gas, running over and killing him, to the admiration and cheers of the crowd. All without scratching the paint.
EM : If you were given the money to buy one single thing that would fit in your room, what would you want?
GH : Kurt Cobains corpse. Natch.
EM : If you could master one extreme sport, which would it be?
GH : Japanese Tax Account Board Sliding. You know, the one thats real big in Guam.
