I’m smarter than you. Neener.
The cell phone has become ubiquitous in the civilized world during the past decade. Whether you have a shiny new model with a color screen and a camera, or an ancient Nokia that has forgotten how to play Snake and refuses to work sometimes due to its midlife crisis, almost all of us can call anyone, anywhere, without even thinking about it. Its a privilege most of us take for granted, especially if youre under the age of 33. It is astounding, then, how few of us know just how these wonderful portable devices work. I am here to enlighten you on the subject, as I have done in the past with Food and TV .
On Communication
The most important aspect of any mobile phone is naturally how it communicates with other phones, mobile or otherwise. Motorola invented modern mobile communication by perfecting an ingenious method that relies on the pervasive weakness of human nature to cut costs. Older mobiles depended on short range and unreliable radio wave technology to communicate, and the equipment was bulky and used lots of power. For this reason, they were mostly used only in cars. Motorola decided to use a type of sound technology known as “infrasound”, or ultra-loud, ultra-low bass sound. This is uses far less power for the range of traditional radio waves, and it can also be used to control the minds of people who are under the influence of alcohol, in an amazing twist. This is where the next part comes in. Mobile networks are made up of “cells”, which tend to exists in a radius of a few miles around a bar. How it works is that when you make a call, your mobile starts emitting an infrasound signal, which takes control of the nearest drunk’s mind. They then stumble to the nearest phone, the land-lines for which are provided by companies like Verizon Wireless and Cingular just for the purpose, dial the number you want to reach, and the conversation begins. Whenever you say something, your drunk mimics the sound of your voice exactly into the phone receiver. Using complex low-frequency moans that only people who are completely smashed can perform, your drunk also communicates the speech of the other person back to you, which is then restored, by your mobile handset. This is only slightly more complicated in digital networks, which were created by embedding a small microchip into the cerebrums of the majority of the world’s alcoholic population. Different mobile companies bet on different digital formats, meaning that some drunks are available in CDMA, TDMA, GSM and many other types. GSM is the most popular format. The drunks have no idea what they’re saying, since it mostly sounds like static. Since the signal doesn’t have to be as strong, battery life is much better if you’re communicating with a digital, rather than analog, bum.
Batteries
Modern mobile handsets rely on either Lithium Ion or Nickel-Metal Hydride batteries, which provide much more power for weight ratios than older technologies, as well as lacking the “memory effect”, which happened when battery production facilities were converted to communist sweat shops. Batteries no longer have any idea that they’re entitled to better working conditions in this country. Rights activists are protesting this decision to the Supreme Court, but it’s doubtful that they will rule in the favor of a creature with few organic particles, even if they do have a thriving literary community.
Displays
Whereas older televisions and monitors rely on CRT technology, which is dependent upon the lives and breeding capabilities of wonderful creatures known as Cathodes, all phones use LCD screens to display information. Liquid Crystals, or Liccies, are much meaner than cathodes. Instead of using their blood to paint the screen, they have to align themselves into patterns visible under a transparent sheet of glass or plastic. The majority of the Liccie population was taken over by goths in the 1970’s, so most LCDs are still in grey-scale, where Liccies align themselves and color choice is determined by how much, if any, clothing they are wearing at the time. Color LCD screens cost more, since they employ the affluent, happy Liccies to display actual color. They’ve been known to have lower shelf lives, though, since color Liccies seem to get bored quicker than Liccie nihilists.
Extra Features
Camera phones are just digital cameras, so look that up somewhere. And if you need text messaging explained to you…lord help us all. There are other things, of course, but I’m lazy, so if you want to know about BREW games, you’ll have to go somewhere else. I suggest Google or Wigu .
