Finally, a cartel worse than the IRS!
2004: Following their complete success in suing multiple file-sharers for thousands of dollars each, and declaring that “No copyrighted material of any kind is available online at any moment”, the RIAA successfully lobbies for a tax that raises blank CD-R media to $9.99 a disc, claiming that it was hurting CD sales. Why should blank CDs cost less than full ones, anyway? Album sales drop 23%. The DVD Forum reports a marked increase in sales of DVD burners.
2006: Seeking to restore revenue lost to “those bastard pirates”, the RIAA succeeds in blocking the sales of used CDs…roughly 15 years after they failed the first time. Album sales drop an additional 17%. Apple sells a few million fourth-generation iPods. RIAA claims that mp3 is no longer a viable format, and that these are being used as paperweights. “There’s no way an entire file sharing community could go underground and be undetectable to us. No way.” RIAA still refuses to admit file sharing is legal in any “modern” nation. Canadians pretend not to care, weep in pillows.
2007: RIAA gains the right to sue anyone who “raises their voice in a melodic and/or harmonic manner,” claiming that using vocal cords in such a way would enable someone to infringe upon the copyrights of their artists. Album sales plummet further.
2009: Janitor in Hartford Falls, New Mexico, buys “The Eagles Greatest Hits”, the first purchase of a physical form of music distribution in over a year. The RIAA stages a press conference, claiming that they were right all along; now that illegal music distribution has finally been stamped out, album sales will rebound. Only UPN news shows up to record the event.
