Poor Graeme, forced to ride a horse in the absence of his car. :(
Ok, a Monty Python/Jux spoof:
King Graeme: Graeme
Soldier #1: Travis
Soldier #2: Sam
Patsy: Kenny (Yes, you are Patsy)
Scene 1: Wherein we all learn about swallows, and Laurie doesnt exist
[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
GRAEME:
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
TRAVIS:
Halt! Who goes there?
GRAEME:
It is I, Graeme, son of Bobby Hefner, from the city of Canton. King of the Realists, defeater of the Democrats, Sovereign of all Jux!
TRAVIS:
Pull the other one!
GRAEME:
I am,… and this is my trusty servant Kenny. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Jux. I must speak with your lord and master.
TRAVIS:
What? Ridden on a horse?
GRAEME:
Yes!
TRAVIS:
You’re using coconuts!
GRAEME:
What?
TRAVIS:
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ‘em together.
GRAEME:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Kennesaw, through–
TRAVIS:
Where’d you get the coconuts?
GRAEME:
We found them.
TRAVIS:
Found them? In Georgia? The coconut’s tropical!
GRAEME:
What do you mean?
TRAVIS:
Well, this is a temperate zone.
GRAEME:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
TRAVIS:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
GRAEME:
Not at all. They could be carried.
TRAVIS:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
GRAEME:
It could grip it by the husk!
TRAVIS:
It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
GRAEME:
Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Graeme from the Court of Jux is here?
TRAVIS:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
GRAEME:
Please!
TRAVIS:
Am I right?
GRAEME:
I’m not interested!
SAM:
It could be carried by an African swallow!
TRAVIS:
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That’s my point.
SAM:
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
GRAEME:
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Jux?!
TRAVIS:
But then of course a– African swallows are non-migratory.
SAM:
Oh, yeah.
TRAVIS:
So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SAM:
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
TRAVIS:
No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SAM:
Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
TRAVIS:
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SAM:
Well, why not?
Scene 8: Wherein Hobart, Miss Blanchard, Unnamed Blob, and Picasso become French …duh,duh,duhm
[King Graeme music]
[clop clop clop]
GRAEME:
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH PICASSO:
Allo! Who is eet?
GRAEME:
It is King Graeme, and these are my Knights of Jux. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH PICASSO:
This is the castle of my mistress, Madame Blanchard.
GRAEME:
Go and tell your mistress that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If she will give us food and shelter for the night, she can join us in our quest for King Graemes holy 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix GT2.
FRENCH PICASSO:
Well, I’ll ask her, but I don’t think she’ll be very keen. Uh, she’s already got one, you see.
GRAEME:
What?
SAM:
He says they’ve already got one!
GRAEME:
Are you sure she’s got one?
FRENCH PICASSO:
Oh, yes. It’s very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH CARTOONS:
[chuckling]
GRAEME:
Well, u– um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH UNNAMED BLOB:
Of course not! You are American types-a!
GRAEME:
Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH UNNAMED BLOB:
I’m French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
SAM:
What are you doing in America?
FRENCH PICASSO:
Mind your own business!
GRAEME:
If you will not show us the 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix GT2, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH UNNAMED BLOB:
You don’t frighten us, American pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Graeme King, you and all your silly American k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
SAM:
What a strange person.
GRAEME:
Now look here, my good man–
FRENCH PICASSO:
I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
SAM:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH PICASSO:
No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
GRAEME:
Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.
FRENCH PICASSO:
(Fetchez la vache.)
FRENCH HOBART:
Quoi?
FRENCH PICASSO:
(Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
GRAEME:
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall–
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
JUX:
Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
GRAEME:
Right! Charge!
JUX:
Charge!
[mayhem]
FRENCH UNNAMED BLOB:
Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
FRENCH PICASSO:
And this one’s for your dad!
GRAEME:
Run away!
JUX:
Run away!
FRENCH HOBART:
Thppppt!
FRENCH CARTOONS:
[taunting]
KENNY:
Fiends! I’ll tear them apart!
GRAEME:
No, no. No, no.
TRAVIS:
Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[wind]
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[clunk]
[bang]
[rewr!]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[drilllll]
[sawwwww]
[clunk]
[crash]
[clang]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[creak]
FRENCH CARTOONS: [whispering]
C’est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let’s go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here…
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
[clllank]
GRAEME:
What happens now?
TRAVIS:
Well, now, uh, Kenny, Sam, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
GRAEME:
Who leaps out?
TRAVIS:
U– u– uh, Kenny, Sam, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh…
GRAEME:
Ohh.
TRAVIS:
Oh. Um, l– look, i– i– if we built this large wooden badger–
[clank]
[twong]
GRAEME:
Run away!
JUX:
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH CARTOONS:
Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh…
