I hate you all!

This is my bad parking manifesto. I’m sick of it. I’ve been bitching for weeks, ever since I got on this rant, of just how funny it is that people are too dumb to park their cars with any sense of coordination. Finally, I decided to start carrying around my digital camera so I could take pictures of these poor sap’s horrible attempts at parking. In this way, I will both punish the ignorant, and perhaps provide an example for all of humanity. Maybe I can stop this crime wave from rampaging across our streets.

In my mind, bad parking can only be explained by a few things, and only one of them is forgivable. The first explanation is that the person is lazy and inconsiderate. I’d say this accounts for 49% of all bad parking jobs. Some idiot ricer kid whips his car across four spaces, thinking that ‘the parking lot’s empty anyway’, never pausing to consider that maybe it might fill up while he’s in the mall, class, or watching his movie. In this way, I suppose the average lazy and inconsiderate person is also stupid, but you’d be surprised. Some of them are just mean.

The worst example of this sort of parking, which I wish I had a picture of, took place at the local Outback Steakhouse. Its parking lot is notoriously small for the amount of business it does, so imagine my shock one day when I went to meet my parents there and saw a single vehicle taking up eight of the approximately thirty spaces available. It seems that Jimbo had decided to stop for a steak on the way home from the lake, and had decided it was perfectly okay to swing his big-ass truck and boat trailer across a third of a parking lot for a crowded restaurant. Of course, what could be wrong with that?

The second cause of bad parking is rampant stupidity. This is when someone just completely can’t navigate a car into the damn lot. These are the people who park with a third of their car over the line, and pretend not to notice. Some people I work with do this habitually. The worst example of this I can think of isn’t particularly bad, at least as far as screwing over other people, but it does show that the person was incompetent. A truck at school once parked with one of its wheels on the curb, raised, after it had backed in to the space. If it had rolled forward a fucking inch, it would have fallen off the curb. And even though it was a big truck, there’s no WAY the person didn’t notice that, since the curbs at KSU are huge. As well, since it’s a BIG truck, no one could have picked up and moved the thing onto the curb, a common prank among college students with much smaller cars. It works for Escorts. It doesn’t work for F-350s.

The third form of parking is when someone else parks so bad in a full parking lot that you HAVE to park bad. This is rare, and forgivable. I’m well aware of the fact that often the truly guilty culprits leave, meaning that only the one who had to weave around them looks like an idiot. Thus, I will try to only feature parking jobs that are truly IMPOSSIBLE to have done this way in my ongoing series.

Yep, an ongoing series. Chapter 1 of The Bad Parking Chronicles gets posted today. I will work to remove license plate numbers and things like that from the pictures, but other than that, they will not be altered in any way. Let this be a lesson to all of you. I may live in the Atlanta area, but I could be prowling anywhere. Anywhere.

This is my manifesto. Stop parking like morons, damnit!