Not like you remember the first one…
Yancey Corgan was a lovely young man who sang in the church choir, gave thousands of dollars to his favourite charities and the ones he hated as well. One day, his Toyota Prius went hurling off the road, into his own house, where it bounced down the stairs, impaling him with his collection of plastic silverware from the 1950s once it reached the living room. Then his airbag exploded in his face, hurling him out the back window of the car through some trick of physics, where he landed on the splintery remains of his staircase. He also landed on the shattered skeletons of the thirteen children he had raped and murdered over the past five years.
Moral: Everything happens for a reason.
Johnnys an American.
Moral: Over consumption my ass, youre just mad because were richer than you.
Gray Davis (no relation) was driving his shiny new Jeep across a random Pennsylvania field on September 11th, 2001, when a plane fell from the sky and hit him. It was quite sad, and no one ever knew what happened to him, because the police didnt notice the Jeep parts and were only concerned with the plane crash and everything else that was happening. Later, on one of the many audio tapes he has released to the public, Osama bin Laden was reported to have said: Those idiots! I said Chrysler building! Not a Chrysler!
Moral: If you want it done right
Jimmys father was a mean man who made him do farm work, and didnt give him any credit for what a good job he did. Jimmy planted corn, and he didnt care. Jimmy shucked corn, and he didnt care. Jimmy cracked corn, and he didnt care. Jimmy got fat from eating corn and sitting on his ass so much cracking it, and he still didnt care. Jimmy got a shotgun and put thirty four rounds into his father, because his self esteem had gotten so low and his waist so gigantic that he hated the world and everything in it. The police didnt care.
Moral: Obesity kills several Americans every year!
When little Susie was five, the preacher at her church told her that if she was a bad little girl, she would go to Hell. So Susie became a very, very good little girl! But even then, she was terrified that she would be prodded by the Devil for all eternity. She prayed to God to save her. Suddenly, she was struck blind, and her hands fell off. For years after, she lamented what she must have done to cause the Lord to punish a little girl so. And then, when she was sixteen, that virus that was transmitted by eye contact and killed people by making their hands explode in a fiery fury hit her state. Then she stopped complaining so much.
Moral: Jesus saves.
Valerie bought a brand new certified used previously loved Porsche for $415 dollars. The next day she opened the glove box and found that exact amount, in quarters!
Moral: You get what you pay for.
Ugthor was resurrected from the dead. He did a few more things than he did the first time through this world. Then he died again.
Moral: Yes, I agree, Strawberry is the better flavour.
