A list for those of you who forget.
Treat
There are a lot of days in the year where you eat candy. I think there are 140 if youre skinny and somewhere around 400 if youre the size of Roseanne. Now then, a lot of you are asking why you should spend perfectly good time that could be devoted to sitting on your ass to walking around your neighborhood getting candy, right? Well, Ill tell you
ITS FREE! How many other days of the year do you get to walk up to someones house and get handed a snickers bar? Most of the time those people would just scream profanity at you and poke you with a broom. If you need a better reason to get off your tush than that, think about all the calories youll be burning while you go after your candy! Its guilt free eating.
Trick
Really, there is no day in the year when you shouldnt be doing your best to screw over your fellow man, but since Halloween is second only to April Fools Day in being officially sanctioned in this practice, its a better time than most. Im not going to give you any ideas for jokes, there are plenty of better websites devoted to that, but I will give you a few rules I would follow. First, dont do ANYTHING that actually destroys someone elses property. No painting their car, disassembling it, gasoline on the lawn, nothing, okay? That doesnt make you funny, that just makes you a jerk. Also, unless you really hate the person and want to ruin your friendship with them forever, try to be willing to help them clean up after whatever you end up doing to them. If you cover their yard with so much toilet paper they cant find their own damn house, be prepared to spend a Saturday out there helping them get that crap out of their trees. Speaking of which, the easiest way to get toilet paper out of trees is just to set it on fire, and it pretty much assures that your fire department will have something to do on an otherwise boring night. Claim the pumpkin did it.
Laze
Sometimes, this is called watching horror movies, or something similar. Basically, its what youve been doing every other night this week, only with a Halloween flavor to it. The easiest way by far to get into the spirit of any holiday, these are the people who watch the parade on Thanksgiving and think Christmas Cheer means Frosty on CBS.
Party
Halloween parties suck ass. There has never, ever been a good Halloween party. I had a nervous breakdown at a particularly bad one in 2000. Its a bad idea. Dont do it.
The Ninth Annual Sit-a-Thon
Thats right, folks! This year is my ninth annual Sit-A-Thon. Here are the rules for this year. Everyone has to bring their own chair. You are allowed to leave the chair for 5 minutes for every hour that youre in it. If you leave the chair more than that, or fall asleep, youre out. Movies will be provided, as well as contests and prizes of various types. The first hour is the blankets-of-doom competition, where the person who wears the most blankets for the entire hour wins a brand new mixer. Then theres the swimsuit competition, where everyone has to change into
you guessed it
and sit around in those for the next hour. There are prizes for best looking and best fat rolls! Then we have movie quote madness and other games, its great fun!
Play Animal Crossing
Dude, Jack is going to be giving out furniture. Dont miss it!
