The Pre-Game Report

Featured Guest Writer(s): Dr. Hobart Nesay

A fair and balanced look.

Since the next great Jux contest is set to take place tomorrow, I thought I’d lay down some odds and analysis for you betters out there. Will Jux triumph over those that seek to humiliate them? Only time will tell, but perhaps I can bring a few things to your attention. Keep in mind this is entirely speculation on my part, and some of the people I’m not at all bullish about could turn out to by the MVPs. Let’s get to the teams, shall we?

Team Jux Entente
Graeme Hefner
I recently snuck into a practice session featuring Graeme and Kitty Vertigo, and it opened my eyes a little bit. Graeme is the team captain of team Jux, and the event organizer, so let’s get that out of the way first of all. Is he pushy, is he a natural leader? Who knows, but it looks it’ll be him calling the shots.

But what about his athletic ability? His kicking is highly inconsistent. I saw him kick a few good balls right into the air and the outfield. Once, he hit a terrific hook shot that would have caught everyone in the field off guard. But for every really good kick he got in, there were just as many balls that spun off foul or went absolutely no where. It also appears that he still suffers from the same syndrome that got him in trouble when he played baseball over a decade ago. I only saw him toss one ball back as unkickable. He’s going to try to kick everything rolled at him, whether it’s a good pitch or not. This leads to a lot of his bad kicks, in my opinion.

As for running and fielding, his aim with the ball for a peg shot is suspect. It’s a lot better than it used to be, though. His overall range could be better, and it remains to be seen just how good he’s going to be at catching the ball. My prediction: he’ll be great at balls kicked up in the air, less-than-stellar at passes from his teammates. He’s not the fastest runner in the world, either, but he gets the job done.

There are only two really good things I can say about Graeme as a player, actually. He’s not especially bad at anything, and he has excellent endurance, thanks to his exercise regime. His performance at the end of the game shouldn’t be very far off from his performance at the beginning. This could prove to be important.

Bottom Line: Second most important player in the Jux arsenal.

Kenneth Knapke
Kenny used to be a star soccer player. He’s extremely good at Frisbee. He comes from a family where the daughters get volleyball scholarships. It’s not hard to see his value to the Jux team.

From what I saw from the practice session, kicking is going to be where Kenny shines. All of his kicks were as good or better than the best that Graeme was managing. This consistency is better than the quality, since it doesn’t matter how well a person can kick if most of their kicks are easily caught or grounded. His throwing was stronger and more on target than Graeme’s, and his catching of passed balls was a lot more accurate. Again, I have no way of knowing how well they will field overall, but I expect good things of Kenny.

In fact, there was so much good on display that I don’t have all that much to say about Kenny. Heck, there were only a few negatives I could pick up on. His overall running seemed plenty fast, but he couldn’t keep it up for very long. I think this is part of his big Achilles heel, which is: he’s not from Georgia. He was overheated and out of breath after a relatively short practice session. During a full-length game, god only knows how slow he’ll be doing by the end. While I don’t think this will affect him in the kicking department, his ability to run between bases and do well in the field might be compromised. While I think he’s going to start the game in the outfield, he might end it as pitcher, just from fatigue.

Bottom Line: He IS Jux’s offense.

Travis Rosenbaum
Since I only saw Graeme and Kenny at the practice session, my opinions on everyone else are going to be based mostly on past experience and conjecture, with a little bit of hearsay thrown in.

Despite how detailed I was above, I expect the actual performance of all three male members of Jux to be in the same general range, since they’re built more-or-less equally. Of the three, I expect Travis to be slightly below the average. My reasons for thinking this are below:

1) Even though he recently worked a warehouse job, Travis has very little aerobic on a regular basis. He may have been building his forearms a little bit, but his muscular endurance in his legs and lungs is still a bit less than I’m expecting from DDR-mad Graeme and his freakish calves, or the overall well-rounded Kenny. However, I think his sprinting speed is higher than either of his male teammates, which they should use whenever possible. Base-stealing isn’t allowed in kickball, but Travis could prove to be a good second basemen/short stop.

2) He wasn’t in on the practice session, which means he hasn’t played real kickball since middle school. That was a long time ago.

3) I have no way of evaluating his ability to throw, but he also wasn’t there to practice that. His lack of practice could hinder him in the early innings, but I think that will melt away by the end.

Bottom Line: Most likely on par with Kenny and Travis, maybe even a little better. But I have no knowledge, so I’m ranking him #3 in the team for now.

Samantha Boylan
This poor girl has admitted to being the weak link in the Jux chain. She’s sweet as can be, but has little athletic ability. Worse yet, she’s a klutz. She’s known to trip over her own feet. Will she be able to kick? Throw? Catch? No one knows, but her displays of coordination in everyday life don’t look good.

My prediction? She’s not going to be bad at kicking, but her fielding is going to lead Jux to train her to be the pitcher before the game starts. Rolling the ball straight, at speeds varying from fast to slow, is easier than catching and throwing long kicks by the other team. But she may make a good first baseman.

Bottom Line: A weak link, but not enough to hobble a strong team.

Team Those Damn(ed) Bastards
Scott Hankinson
From the second they announced that Jux’s opponents would be current and ex significant others, I knew Team Those Damn Bastards was in trouble. In the original plans for the game, there was only one ray of hope for the team: Samantha’s boyfriend Marty Simpson. When he dropped out, I thought all was lost.

Say hello to one of the two saviors of TDB. In fact, say hello to the man who’s probably going to be the single greatest player this game is going to see. Scott is athletic, he was on the swim team and played tennis in high school, which is going to help out TDB a lot. Better yet, he’s HUGE, easily the biggest person playing the game. No one else on his team tops 5’3”, and the tallest person after him in the whole game is Graeme on team Jux, who clocks in at a screamingly-average 5’11”. He can run, I’m sure he can kick. His fielding? A mystery, but I have faith.

On the off chance that Scott doesn’t play, Team TDB is toast.

Bottom Line: He may not be enough to save TDB from getting eaten alive, but he’ll make them look good while doing it. If they have a chance to beat Jux, it rests on his shoulders, along with…
Team TDB Qualification: Once dated Samantha.

Valerie Wingo
At first glance, Valerie seems to be built like most of the other girls playing this game. But something about her suggests to this man that we are going to be surprised. I’m not sure if it’s her southern stubbornness, or just the aura of power around her. I expect that if Team TDB is going to win, Valerie is going to have something to do with it. I don’t think we can expect much from her kicking, but her fielding should be among the best in the game.

Bottom Line: If Scott balances Kenny, I think Valerie will balance Graeme.
Team TDB Qualification: Ringer for Kenny’s girlfriend.

Vivian Rath
In short, Vivian is TDB’s Samantha. Neither of them is known for being all that coordinated or athletic. Vivian is going to have the advantage in kicking and running, I think, whereas Samantha is going to be the better fielder, if she ever gets out there. I see Vivian pitching, though, just like I see Samantha pitching. Vivian’s endurance should be better, though. She’s also at least 5% less likely to trip over her own feet, which isn’t much, but might be important.

Bottom Line: Maybe a little better, maybe a little worse than Samantha on Jux.
Team TDB Qualification: Graeme’s girlfriend.

Since it’s not certain yet whether Sara Gancarz or Lauren Hudson will be playing, I don’t think I can go into analysis of them at the moment. But the brief view is this: Lauren will be a better asset than Sara, but only if Team Those Damn Bastards gets both of them do I think they’ll stand on equal footing with Team Jux Entente. Only Sunday will see for sure, however.

God only knows what’s going to happen in the Battleball and Pinball rounds.

Gentlemen, place your bets!