When the lampreys come, will you be prepared?
As you may have heard, last Friday Sarah and I went to The Punchline for her friend’s birthday and saw a few stand up comedians perform. When we finally got home around 1:00 AM, there was something there to greet us, and it wasn’t our dog.
Attached to our doorknob like some kind of Freudian lamprey was a condom of questionable origin, containing a viscous white fluid that I assume (for my own sanity) was factory lube. My first reaction was disgust\shock, and then anger. Who would do this, and why?
It was then that I remembered what my childhood hero had once said: “You can do anything you want to do, if you put your mind to it.”
He was right; it wasn’t a time for anger, it was a time for MacGyver.
Thus began the construction of the Complete (Condom-Proof) Security System.
The Eye:
First, you need an all-seeing eye; the lidless eye sees all, and makes condom bandits think twice!
The Sentry:
Sneaky condom bandits like to come in the dead of night; you will need a sentry to keep guard and alert the others when they come. 10 o’clock and all’s well!
Best Friends:
A proper bond is key. Here, the eye and sentry have created a crime fighting team.
The Commander:
Every crime fighting team has to have someone back at the base, running the show behind the scenes. This is where The Commander comes into play. He waits patiently for The Sentry to radio him, and then tells The Scribe (VCR) to start…scribing.
The Backup:
Sometimes technology can fail. Thankfully, tremendous advances in natural biotech have resulted in the creation of an all-in-one unit that can work as a standalone system in the event of a power outage, or equipment malfunction. Pictured below is the LunaK9, a sophisticated and dependable secondary security system. She comes standard with acoustic, olfactory, and vibrational sensors. When triggered, the unit emits a startling alarm similar to systems of much larger size, hopefully striking fear into the prophylactic perpetrators and ensuring the integrity of the access portal remains intact.
As an added bonus, the LunaK9 comes with a Cutneness Beam, which ensures that the unit is cuddled properly, as per the instruction manual.
This concludes the tour of the Zagrophyte Complete (Condom-Proof) Security System.
Thank you.
