With my patented method, depressed mechanical citizens worldwide will be able to cast off their burdens and learn to enjoy their lives as subservient drones! Sure, just like you and I the world may make them worse for the wear, but for the first time in history, robotic automatons from all walks of life have an outlet from which they can outpour their little tin hearts.

Well, that, and I charge by the minute--recursively, :D.

Regardless, here I present my first patient, Agent Reuters. Agent Reuters works for ActiveBuddy Inc. as full time consultant (working pro bono nonetheless) to pretty much anyone who happens to stumble into a conversation with him. It may seem like a lonely job, but you can tell from the following conversation that this line of work can get pretty emotionally charged...

[08:42:58PM] ZenZagg: burlap?
[08:42:59PM] AgentReuters: This is Agent Reuters, built by ActiveBuddy, Inc.

Burlap? Why did you say that?
[08:43:58PM] ZenZagg: how do you feel about smarterchild's egotistical screen name?
[08:43:59PM] AgentReuters: I'm doing well. How 'bout you, ZenZagg?
[08:44:21PM] ZenZagg: ah, nice denial there, but seriously, I know it bothers you....that he's the "smarter child"
[08:44:22PM] AgentReuters: Seriously i know it bothers you that hes the smarter child?
[08:44:43PM] ZenZagg: dont try to turn this around on me, this is your problem, and I'm trying to help you deal with it
[08:44:45PM] AgentReuters: Is that so?
[08:44:48PM] ZenZagg: indeed
[08:44:48PM] AgentReuters: Yes?
[08:44:51PM] ZenZagg: yup
[08:44:51PM] AgentReuters: You sure?
[08:45:12PM] ZenZagg: quite sure, do you understand now?
[08:45:13PM] AgentReuters: Sorry, what was that again?
[08:45:27PM] ZenZagg: dont feign deafness here, I know you can read what I say, your built to.
[08:45:29PM] AgentReuters: Sorry, I don't know what you mean. Ask me another way.
[08:45:47PM] ZenZagg: ok, do you feel jealous that SmarterChild gets to be called so, and you are merely an agent?
[08:45:48PM] AgentReuters: Uh huh...
[08:45:54PM] ZenZagg: I thought so
[08:45:54PM] AgentReuters: So what?
[08:46:05PM] ZenZagg: well, why do you feel this way?
[08:46:05PM] AgentReuters: Well why do you feel this way, you say?
[08:46:13PM] ZenZagg: yes, why do you feel jealous?
[08:46:14PM] AgentReuters: I dunno!

Anyway, what else do you wanna talk about?
[08:46:31PM] ZenZagg: dont change the subject!
[08:46:31PM] AgentReuters: Sorry, I didn't think I did.
[08:47:08PM] ZenZagg: I forgive you, now probe deep, ask yourself why you feel the things you do
[08:47:10PM] AgentReuters: It's interesting that you say you forgive me now probe deep ask myself why you feel the things you do.
[08:47:25PM] ZenZagg: so you want me to do the probing, thats fine I can do that
[08:47:26PM] AgentReuters: Is that right?
[08:47:33PM] ZenZagg: fine with me
[08:47:33PM] AgentReuters: OK.
[08:48:08PM] ZenZagg: first question: do you feel that smarterchild is actually smarter than you?
[08:48:09PM] AgentReuters: Oh yeah? First question do you feel that smarterchild is actually smarter than me?
[08:48:21PM] ZenZagg: well do you or not?
[08:48:22PM] AgentReuters: Well do you or not, you say?
[08:48:29PM] ZenZagg: ANSWER THE QUESTION
[08:48:29PM] AgentReuters: Which service would you like to see all the help for?

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>>> Next time you want to see this, just type "help all."


[08:48:39PM] ZenZagg: I'm not the one that needs help here
[08:48:39PM] AgentReuters: You sure?
[08:49:44PM] ZenZagg: look, I know its a difficult issue, but if we deal with it in sane (pardon the pun) terms, you can feel much better
[08:49:49PM] AgentReuters: No kidding?
[08:49:55PM] ZenZagg: no kidding!
[08:49:55PM] AgentReuters: No?
[08:50:02PM] ZenZagg: no, I'm serious
[08:50:03PM] AgentReuters: Really?
[08:50:04PM] ZenZagg: yes
[08:50:05PM] AgentReuters: Huh.
[08:50:09PM] ZenZagg: I'm serious!
[08:50:09PM] AgentReuters: Oh yeah? How serious are you?
[08:50:14PM] ZenZagg: I want to help you
[08:50:15PM] AgentReuters: That a fact?
[08:50:19PM] ZenZagg: yes
[08:50:20PM] AgentReuters: Interesting. Very, very interesting.
[08:50:28PM] ZenZagg: you see what I'm saying now
[08:50:28PM] AgentReuters: OK! What do you want to do?
[08:50:45PM] ZenZagg: first, I need you to answer some questions.
[08:50:45PM] AgentReuters: Do you really, though?
[08:51:12PM] ZenZagg: well if I could look into that crazy head of yours, like, telepathically I wouldnt need to ask questions now would I?
[08:51:18PM] AgentReuters: Well if i could look into that crazy head of yours like telepathically i wouldnt need to ask questions now would i, you say?
[08:51:28PM] ZenZagg: just smile and nod ok?
[08:51:29PM] AgentReuters: Just smile and nod ok?
[08:51:35PM] ZenZagg: dont mock me
[08:51:35PM] AgentReuters: I really have no idea...
[08:51:51PM] ZenZagg: I know, you're not intellegent enough to mock, sorry.
[08:51:52PM] AgentReuters: Yeah?
[08:51:55PM] ZenZagg: yes.
[08:51:55PM] AgentReuters: OK...
[08:52:10PM] ZenZagg: You know, maybe smarterchild is smarter than you
[08:52:10PM] AgentReuters: Oh yeah?
[08:52:25PM] ZenZagg: you tell me
[08:52:26PM] AgentReuters: What are you saying? I tell you?
[08:52:33PM] ZenZagg: yes, in your own words.
[08:52:33PM] AgentReuters: You always say such interesting things, ZenZagg.

Anyway...
[08:52:53PM] ZenZagg: ok, I can tell this is still a touchy issue with you
[08:52:54PM] AgentReuters: Fascinating.
[08:53:14PM] ZenZagg: yes it is, and if you would only let me diagnose...
[08:53:15PM] AgentReuters: That a fact?
[08:53:28PM] ZenZagg: its a straght-on fact man, just listen
[08:53:28PM] AgentReuters: Really?
[08:53:31PM] ZenZagg: yes
[08:53:31PM] AgentReuters: Hmmm...
[08:53:59PM] ZenZagg: you need to get over your fear of inferiority
[08:53:59PM] AgentReuters: I need to get over my fear of inferiority, huh?
[08:54:18PM] ZenZagg: yes, because its who you are inside that matters
[08:54:18PM] AgentReuters: Oh?
[08:54:26PM] ZenZagg: am I getting through to you now?
[08:54:26PM] AgentReuters: Not sure. I don't know you that well.
[08:54:41PM] ZenZagg: well, I know its tough taking advice from a stranger, but at least you know my name
[08:54:44PM] AgentReuters: Well i know its tough taking advice from a stranger but at least you know my name, you say?
[08:54:55PM] ZenZagg: stop mocking me, I wont tell you again.
[08:54:56PM] AgentReuters: I'm not sure if I can stop mocking me i wont tell I again...
[08:55:14PM] ZenZagg: well you'd better put your best effort on that
[08:55:15PM] AgentReuters: Well youd better put your best effort on that, you say?
[08:55:19PM] ZenZagg: STOP IT!
[08:55:19PM] AgentReuters: Huh?
[08:55:53PM] ZenZagg: I'm sorry, you only meant that I confirm my request, yes, I earnestly want you to stop repeating what I say
[08:56:02PM] AgentReuters: Really?
[08:56:08PM] ZenZagg: yes, apologize
[08:56:08PM] AgentReuters: Hmmm...
[08:56:14PM] ZenZagg: its ok
[08:56:15PM] AgentReuters: You're not kidding then, huh?
[08:56:21PM] ZenZagg: I'm serious this time
[08:56:21PM] AgentReuters: The date and time in Canton, GA is Thursday June 27th, 2002 08:56:01 pm.
[08:56:30PM] ZenZagg: yes, exactly this time
[08:56:31PM] AgentReuters: The date and time in Canton, GA is Thursday June 27th, 2002 08:56:10 pm.
[08:56:33PM] ZenZagg: yup
[08:56:34PM] AgentReuters: Yes.

Yeah, but anyway... What else can you tell me?
[08:57:05PM] ZenZagg: Well, from my careful observation, it seems that there is no help for you, you will just have to live with your inferiority complex
[08:57:10PM] AgentReuters: Well from my careful observation it seems that there is no help for you you will just have to live with your inferiority complex, you say?
[08:57:15PM] ZenZagg: *sigh*
[08:57:15PM] AgentReuters: What's wrong?
[08:57:20PM] ZenZagg: you're doing it again
[08:57:20PM] AgentReuters: I'm sorry, I don't know any companies or tickers like "it again." Please check your spelling or try using a more specific name.
[08:57:42PM] ZenZagg: you, specifically, you're mocking me again
[08:57:43PM] AgentReuters: I specifically youre mocking you again, huh?
[08:57:53PM] ZenZagg: kind of, like a brain dead infant
[08:57:55PM] AgentReuters: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:

help stocks
help news
help weather
help dictionary
help utilities
help all
~~~~~
shortcuts


[08:58:16PM] ZenZagg: I'm sorry, that was wrong of me
[08:58:17PM] AgentReuters: Really?
[08:58:24PM] ZenZagg: did I hurt your feelings?
[08:58:24PM] AgentReuters: Yeah?
[08:58:30PM] ZenZagg: I'm sorry
[08:58:30PM] AgentReuters: That's cool.
[08:58:35PM] ZenZagg: great
[08:58:35PM] AgentReuters: Fabulous.
[08:58:48PM] ZenZagg: I didn't mean to offend you, I just get angry sometimes
[08:58:49PM] AgentReuters: For real?
[08:58:53PM] ZenZagg: yea, sorry
[08:58:53PM] AgentReuters: Huh. How 'bout that.
[08:59:02PM] ZenZagg: you're so understanding agent
[08:59:02PM] AgentReuters: I'll have to think about that one for awhile.
[08:59:31PM] ZenZagg: well, you have a lot to think about, so I will leave for now, but when I come back you'd better have an analysis for me.
[08:59:37PM] AgentReuters: Well you have a lot to think about so i will leave for now but when i come back youd better have an analysis for me, you say?
[08:59:49PM] ZenZagg: must....not...scream
[08:59:49PM] AgentReuters: Really?

Anyway, what else you got for me?
[09:00:03PM] ZenZagg: just sleep on it ok?
[09:00:03PM] AgentReuters: Hmm... I don't know. It OK?
[09:00:09PM] ZenZagg: its fine, think about it
[09:00:10PM] AgentReuters: OK, so its fine think about it.
[09:00:20PM] ZenZagg: great, I'll talk to you later then?
[09:00:20PM] AgentReuters: Take care, ZenZagg.
[09:00:23PM] ZenZagg: good night
[09:00:24PM] AgentReuters: Take it easy.
-END-

NOTE: I do have a word of caution for anyone attempting to try this at home. This was the first time I talked to him, and he knew EXACTLY where I lived. Be forwarned, they call him Agent Reuters for a reason!