The SODWIC
This is my newest addition to my lovely body. For those of you not in the know, SODWIC stands for Star of David with Inset Cross. It's a lovely piece that I use to show my "I used to be christian, but I grew up and am Jewish-ish now. Grammar r0x0rs!" side. It's pure silver on a silver chain, and is draped about my neck during all moments that I am not contained in my home. It leads to some interesting comments. "Dude, are you Jewish!?!?!" is a popular one, to which I have to answer "Not quite, but one day I will be!" I also love the slightly-more-knowledgeable people who ask, "Messianic?" Yeah, right pal, at least you know big words, but do I look like the sort of person who would choose to be Christian? Actually, I look like the sort of person who would be worshipping flaming rabbits while dancing naked about a statue of Isis that I built out of the congealed blood of the unbelievers. But, since that's expensive, Judaism is the key my brother.
Graeme's Verdict: A

The Cellular Phone
Oh yes, the modern leash. My parents used this to keep track of me when I first got it. But, that duty fell to the wayside, as I broke them of the habit with massive apathy! This phone has quite a few things going for it. It's small. It gets wonderful reception. It's address book holds exactly one more number than the amount of people I know, which is about 200 more than I call. It has a real ring tone, and not that damned Nokia 'set phones to irritate!" ring. I can accept text messages. Its battery lasts almost as long as I can stay awake, which is just over four days. It has an internet browser. No one else I know has one of the same model. And, here's the kicker folks, since my mommy works at Verizon, it's free! Yet, all is not wine and puppies with my lovable phone. I've yet to use the teeny web browser that intrigues me so, since every time I press the button that starts it I get a message that says "Charges will apply. To start MiniBrowser, please scan credit card." I don't know about you, but that scares the fucking hell out of me. Then there's the fact that people, like, call me on it. Normally I'm flattered that people choose to track me down at all hours and all places, but it's not them that bother me. Oh no, it's these people that call me that I don't know, and then when I start screaming loud vulgar profanity in the middle of a library because they're taking my precious time by calling me when I'm working and I don't even know them, they get, like, offended. You're the one calling my cell phone! I mean, jeez, learn to dial numbers in a series. There's another problem. See, I go to college, and while cell phones are allowed all over campus, if they ring in class, the professors bite off your head and then proceed to transubstantiate you into ScanTron sheets. So, because of this, I keep my phone in vibrate mode at all times while at school. I also keep it in "manner" mode at the library, because if I don't my boss will crucify me and use me as a Christmas decoration. Now, my phone vibrates like a drunk and horny irish midget, but it never gets my attention. I think I've successfully noticed my phone was vibrating itself into a frenzy in my pocket on the first try twice. Why is this? Because I wear jeans that would fit my car, that's why. My clothing is no where near my skin at any time that I'm wearing it. What this thing needs is an electroshock mode that causes me severe pain when someone is trying to reach me. Now that would get my attention. It would also lend serious ammunition to my soul-searing wrong number rants.
Graeme's Verdict: B

The Keys
Ah yes, my keys. Why are they so high up on the list? Because I'm placing them by the newness of their key ring. So ha! Anyway, my keys are actually pretty cool. I've got this freakishly hand carved wooden old man for a . key ringSome days, he looks like a wizard. Some days, he looks like a date rapist. Either way, he looks badass. Always badass. That's not the only non-key accessory. I also have a lovely Kennesaw State University thing, which serves as a screwdriver on desperate occasions. And a little 'lucent technologies'....thing....which gives out red light when you press a button on it. Theoretically, this is used to locate keyholes in the dark. In practice, I use it to make cool light effects. The keys themselves are six in number, four are car related. Two of my own, two to various parental chorse lessarriages. Now, as l33t as these keys sound, there are a few problems. First of all, if placed wrong in a pocket, even my giant, two cans of soda pockets, they will cause pain. Bad pain. MAN pain. They also beat the shit out of anything attached to them or in the same pocket. That's why the only thing I can keep in the same pocket as my keys in my badass Zippo, and also why the countdown clock I had attached to the ring at one point died a horrid death, being scratched and stabbed until it gave up life. But, you know, they get me into things.
Graeme's Verdict: B-

The Wallet
Ah yes, my wallet. How can you really rate a wallet? I’ve decided to rate its various aspects and contents individually, and then tally the score into a GPA, which will serve as my loyal wallet’s final grade.
The leather, which feels slightly fake, despite being real: B+
$165 of usable cash: A+
‘The Great One’, a dollar bill I received as change two years ago that promised me great amounts of money: A
My GA Driver’s License, which contains a horrid picture of me: B
KSU I.D., with an even worse picture: C-
A rather plain BlueChoice card, with blinding amounts of numbers, that saves me from death: B
Visa Check Card, with access to my money stores: A-
Platinum MasterCard, in case my hoard is depleted: A
25 movie ticket stubs that I haven’t removed to my box of them yet: C+
Blockbuster card: B-
Library card: D
Media Play gift card with $50 left, which isn’t real money: B+
Media Play gift card with $5.50 left, which also isn’t real money: C
99x freeloader card: D-
International Thespian Society membership card, that I had to earn damnit: A
Two tickets to a homecoming dance I never made it to: Q
A card which reminds me I signed up for selective service on September 11, 2001 : A
Various business and club cards: C
Social Security card, which says I’m not supposed to carry it in my wallet: B+
ADAP card, which pleads with me not to carry it also: C
A $2 bill from my deceased grandmother: A+
Sheet of paper containing phone numbers that I’ve had memorized for 4 years: C-
Sheet of paper with phone numbers that are no longer in service: D
Certificate for points at an arcade: C
Wallet’s GPA: 2.652
Graeme’s Verdict: C

The Zippo
Ah yes, the special Zippo. First purchased in the 1950’s, this steel piece of Americana holds a very special place in my heart. My grandfather, the one whom I never met due to his heart attack when my mother was sixteen, owned this lighter. I fixed it up one year to take to a concert, and since then, it has been my good luck charm. Not only can I not leave the house without it, I can’t leave the house if the thing doesn’t light. So, despite the fact that I don’t smoke, I always have a working lighter on me. I’m a desperate nicotine addict’s dream! Not only does this thing bring me good luck and have sentimental attachment, it also causes fire. I mean, sure, lots of people have good luck charms, but how many have good luck charms that create eternal flame ?
Graeme’s Verdict: A+

The Watch
Ah yes, my watch. By far the longest owned of the items on this list, by me at least, it’s been adorning my wrist since I was in 6 ^th grade. Can you say you’ve had a watch that long? I think not. This thing has both analog and digital reads, supports world time, an alarm, stop watch, and pretty much anything else they could have thought of when I was in elementary school. It also has a neat springy band that means I never have to worry about using a belt one handed. There are very few problems with my beloved watch. I mean, sure, it looks its age, and one of the buttons sort of sticks now, but what do you expect of something that’s as old as it is?
Graeme’s Verdict: A-