Sports suck. And it's not because they require physical prowess or because I'm not good at them, although I suck at most, but rather because they're boring. Most of them didn't start out this way. The origin of all the major modern sports in undoubtedly with a bunch of bored people sitting around looking for ways to compete with each other. This style of brainstorming doesn't lead to ultra-complex strategic games often. Yet, have you actually sat down and watched any major sport broadcast lately? I tried watching a football game, and I just don't get it. Here is a sport that moves at a pace exactly equal to that of golf, that drunken people watch and obsess over every fucking day of their lives. I wonder if they've ever tried it while not drunk. The pacing will suddenly seem a lot different, I'm certain. And what's slowing the game down? All the damn regulations that rules lawyers have come up with over the years! If the game had been left as 'Get this ball over there. You can hurt the other team if you want.", then football would still be entertaining. So, I was thinking of ways to fix this situation. To restore the fun that was once in organized sports. Suddenly, it came to me. All it took was a little diving into my rather expansive memory. Let me describe the rules of the perfect sport.

1. If you're hit, you're out.
2. If you catch the ball, the person who threw it is out.
3. You can't cross the dividing line.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about dodge ball. More specifically, it's Battle Ball aspect. You line up two equal teams on a court, and hurl rubber balls at each other at insanely high speeds until everyone on one team is eliminated. It's perfect! It doesn't need any rules other than those above. It's fast paced and violent, good for most of the people who watch sports in the first place. Plus, it's just fun. I remember we played it every friday in Gym when I was in middle school. Of course, I didn't even weigh 100lbs then and was under 5 feet tall, so I wasn't all that good of a player. I usually stayed at the very back and just leapt out of the way as long as long as I could. Unless, of course, I was in one of my manic moods, like the time when my friend Scott and I ran screaming up the line repeatedly hurling balls while screaming "LOTH LORIEN!" at the top of our lungs. Our team won that game.


Come on everyone! You know I speak the truth! Would not a national Battle Ball league be the ultimate sport? You could play with teams of several hundred people! And best of all, the sport would never be ruined by that beast that is the rules lawyer. Anyone crying 'not fair' should be pummeled by both teams, resulting in a double victory. That would preserve its purity quite well.