Wow,
it's been awhile since I've done one of these grading features, hasn't
it? Well, here we go again. I'm grading Mario's various aspects, from all
of the Super Mario games except Sunshine, since I've not actually played
it yet. Note that I am not rating how good the games were, just how powerful
Mario was within them. Enjoy!
Super Mario Bros.
The Mario by which the standard is set. Unfortunately,
this also means he's pretty average. This is where it was revealed that
mushrooms in the Mushroom Kingdom make you grow to twice your normal size,
instead of just making you think you're being eaten by your couch or making
your breath smell bad. The original Mario also had the ability to immolate
his enemies once he picked up a fire flower. Sadly, that's about it. Not that
being large enough to crush your enemies with your weight isn't cool, and
burning them alive certainly is, but it's just so middle of the road
now. Plus, you can't exactly give this version of Mario points for brilliance.
Does he ever bother to ask Toad which castle the Princess is in?
Graeme's Verdict: C
Super Mario Bros. 2
Welcome to the bottom of the barrel. No ability to turn giant. No ability
to melt your enemies. What can you do? Hurl healthy eating at people. And
that's it. Not only that, but you get shown up by everyone else! Toad is
so much stronger it's insulting, Luigi can jump like an olympic athlete's
wet dream, and Peach looks bitchin` and can fly. This is in addition to
their ability to toss vegetables. Which is all you can do. Yeah, you get
a health meter in this one, but it just equates to the missing power ups,
so that doesn't make you any tougher. I must admit though, this Mario is damn
lucky. Wart was a pushover. I'm not sure if Bowser takes much damage from
a turnip.
Graeme's Verdict: D
Super Mario Bros. 3
Praise Jesus and call the chickens, we have the ultimate badass. Once
again to can increase the size of your body to mammoth proportions by eating
fungi. The ability to burn your foes like a rare steak is omnipresent.
For the first time, you can fly! With a raccoon tail! Sure, it's
for a limited time, but it is by far the best flying solution the series
has ever produced. Better than the cape and sky cap. Why? Because thanks
to a certain item, you are capable of doing it for an unlimited amount of
time. I mean, come on. Do I need to explain why that's badass? And we've
not even gotten into the suits yet. The frog suit may make you look like
an idiot and travel like a gimp prostitute on land, but wait till you get
that baby going underwater. No more frustrating swimming controls, now you
are the master of the water baby. The Tanooki suit not only gives you amazing
raccoon flying powers like the super leaf, but you can turn into a statue.
Now let's consider this. You're already heavy enough in Super Mario form
to crush enemies flat. Now you're capable of turning into stone as a bonus.
It's like swatting flies with a Buick, but damn does it kick ass. Did I mention
you're invincible in stone form? No? You are. And ladies and gentlemen, let
us introduce the hammer suit. Hard shell to protect you from enemies? Check.
Ability to hurl big ass hammers? Check. And we still have a lot of extra
items to get into. The P-wing is the above unlimited flying item, unless
you get hit. And if you can get hit while being able to stay in the air indefinitely,
you shouldn't be playing Super Mario Bros. 3. You've got the magic level
skipping cloud, which you can use to flip most of world 8 the finger if
you save them up like a good little boy. There's the anchor and music box,
which I always found to be next to useless but which help a lot of people
get through some tough spots. And we finally reach the ultimate, the Mecca
of all Super Mario items. Kuribo's shoe. I want them to make a 3D version
of Super Mario Bros. 3 just for this one item. Hopping about in the shoe
is never boring. Never.
Graeme's Verdict: A+
Super Mario World
The second most powerful Mario. You have to sacrifice your ultimate
flight from Mario 3, not to mention gain the less fun cape item, and there's
no more suits, but you get Yoshi. I'm counting Yoshi as a powerup because
that's how he's used in this game. Depending on the Yoshi color, you can
get a Yoshi that will spit fire, create an earthquake, or fly with every
Koopa you eat. The normal green one doesn't have any special abilities
other than the basic ones, sadly. The P-balloon is here instead of the
P-wing, and it's only for a limited time. Oh, and you can now store up an
item in the box at the top of the screen...just make sure you grab it in
time. The addition of Yoshi means you can take an extra hit over your Mario
3 form, but you have less offensive and stylistic power. Some would argue
it's a decent trade, but I still feel the Mario 3 aspect kicks more ass.
Graeme's Verdict: A-
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
I'm recognizing this as a Mario game for Elliott. But, alas, not only
is baby Mario useless, he also has the second most irritating sound effect
in all of videogame history.
Graeme's Verdict: F
Super Mario 64
While this isn't nearly the neutering that Super Mario Bros. 2 was,
this is still a major fall in Mario's 1337ness. Okay, let's get the good
stuff out of the way first. Mario has taken the time he had off from 1991-1996
to take a few acrobatics courses; the jumps you're capable of in this game
make Mario's previous efforts look like they were done by short, fat women.
But, no longer can you grow to outrageous heights and toss fireballs about
like it was easy. Now you can wound things with your ass, and punch Goombas.
I'm sorry, but...whee. And almost all of your wonderful powers from the last
two dimensional games have disappeared. Now, you can put on a cap to fly
(but not very well), one to turn yourself into a nigh-invisible mix of particles
(interesting, but not outrageously useful), and one to make you steel.
So you won't float. In water. Nope, no floating for Mario. Shucks.
Graeme's Verdict: B