It has come to my attention that over the course of the development of our modern culture, certain inventions have come along that have revolutionized the way we live. The Television. The Internet. Dozens other things that spring immediately to your mind whenever someone mentions the world progress. Please note that I am in no way referring to sliced bread. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is a knife that difficult to master?

Anyway, I've decided to showcase today some of the more neglected discoveries of mankind. Things that we couldn't properly live without, but that get no respect. And, just to make this easier on you, I'm doing it in the form of a top five list. So there.

5) Stuffed Animals
Where the hell would be without stuffed animals? Think about it. They make a room much brighter, with that hint of a childish air. They make you feel better when you're sick. They're cushy comfy little things. They make great gifts. They protect you when you're sleeping. You can name them, and pretend they're your friends. You can take them on dates when no one else wants to go with you. You can hit people with them playfully. And then they'll say "Oh, ho ho! You impish creature! You have attacked me with a stuffed creation in jest!" And then you'll hit them again. And they'll laugh. Always laughing. Then you'll hit them again, and you'll hit them with one of the eyes, or perhaps the nose. And they'll scream, because that hurts. The eyes and nose, they're hard, they are. And you'll do it again. They'll start bleeding and screaming. And you'll scream "Hah! Mr. Snuggums kicked your fucking ass, didn't he! Laugh at me will you! Snuggums beat you down!"

4) Power Windows
Of the car variety. I recently had the pleasure of entering a car from the "budget" side of the tracks. Oh, the horror. I think the only reason crank windows are still made is because of some half-assed desire to get Americans to exercise more. Why else would you put them in a car with enough modern electronics to made the Apollo mission control blush? I say get your power windows will you still can, because sooner or later someone is going to come along with a theory that they cause cancer or rip huge holes in certain atmospheric layers, and they'll be gone. We'll be stuck with manual windows. And their plan will fail, because Americans will still be fat; but we'll have world's burliest left arms.

3) Paper Towels
I have an experiment for you. I want you to go one week without touching a paper towel. You are allowed to use paper napkins, their useless half brothers, and regular old towels and napkins for cleaning up your messes. How long can you stand washing huge loads of towels? When will you realize that paper napkins absorb nothing? By day four, you'll just toss bath towels over anything you spill. Eventually, this will become your entire floor, and the house will start to reek of milk and old meat. But you're helpless. You are just too lazy to wash all that linen. Helpless, you'll quickly move to a hotel room to begin a search for a new residence. All of this after just 6 days without paper towels, the ultimate in cleaning devices. On the seventh day, you'll move into your new apartment and rest, safe in the knowledge that you can use them once again. Just think about it.

2) Pizza Cutter
Are you under the age of 30? Okay, good, then you know that pizza is an unavoidable fact of life. At least if you have the money for it. If you're poor, please see the entry for "Ramen, Top Variety". While first people to invent both delivery and frozen varieties of this dish are geniuses, let us pause a moment to hail praise on whoever thought up the pizza cutter. Have you ever honestly tried to cut a pizza with anything else? Sure, it's more than possible, but the kitchen of someone who cuts a pizza with a knife ends up looking like one of the worst murder scenes in modern history. Not to mention the butchery that is done to the pie itself, which borders on criminal. But both the home and industrial versions of the wondrous pizza cutter never fail to prepare the pizza with dignity and a minimal mess. Just as a side note, if one these should not be available for whatever reason, I recommend always using a clean pair of scissors over a knife. Don't believe me? Try it.

1) Ice Maker
No, I am not talking about a freezer. Anyone in their right mind knows how important the various forms of refrigeration are. I'm specifically talking about those wonderful little devices that ready make ice cubes. I don't know where I would be without these things. Whenever I pick up an ice tray to manually remove my frozen blocks of water via manual labor, I get this weird flashback to the early 1900's. Suddenly, I'm not in my kitchen, but some strange kitchen with a wood burning stove belching black smoke and my idiot son Timmy outside playing around that well that I refuse to put a cap over because it secretly contains several years of moonshine. Sure, when I've actually removed the cubes from the trays this fades, but it's still freaky. I'm not sure how those friends that still use trays do it. Those things are closest I'll ever get to pioneer life, and they scare the hell out of me. Not to mention I can never remember to refill them, thus making them useless at all the wrong times. Why they have yet to go the way of the butter churn and AM radio, I do not know.