How long has it been since we've done any 'grading' here? Awhile, that's for sure. Part of it was because I didn't want to become some two-bit Brunching Shuttlecocks, because in any comparison to that wonderful site, we would fail. But, damnit, I want to do this. So I'm going to review every single President the United States has ever had. They will be given a text review, of course, but will be rated in the following categories: Coolness, Asskicking (very different from coolness), and Who The Fuck Is That Guy?. Coolness will gauge just how badass the President is/was. Asskicking rates how well he forced America's will unto the unsuspecting foreign hordes. And Who The Fuck Is That Guy? (WtFitG) measures the chance the average 8 year old will know who the hell you're talking about. The final score for the president will not be an average, but will take all the individual ratings into account. On to the Pres's! (All images courtesy of whitehouse.gov, even though they don't know I'm externally linking them...hah! My (family's) tax dollars pay for your bandwidth! I'll steal it if I damn well please!)

George Washington Coolness: 9 Asskicking: 8 WtFitG: 10 Overall: 9	George rules, but is perhaps over deified. Let's get one thing straight though, the office of president was created with him in mind. Have you ever had a bunch of people walk up to you and say "Hey, we've got this great idea, and it involves making you better than us. Are you up for it?" George also gets extra points for not letting himself be made king. That takes some real willpower, and shows a true depth of character. So why isn't George a 10? Because, despite what history may tell you, he wasn't all that great of a general, and the president that couldn't tell a lie has a hell of a lot of lies told about him. Cherry tree? The hell? And his dollar bill portrait makes him look about as interesting as Sewing Monthly.
John Adams Coolness: 5 Asskicking: 6 WtFitG: 9 Overall: 7	I don't really have much to say about this guy. He's one of our founding fathers, and was certainly brilliant, but I don't think he was all that effective of a president. He gets some major points in Asskicking because he took us into a quasi-war against France. Sure, neither side did much damage to the other, but the mere fact that we were beating up on Frenchmen under this guy makes me happy. Other things that brought up his score was his high rating in the WtFitG category. True historians out there know that a lot of political turmoil embroiled the nation under Adams, so perhaps the '7' seems a bit high. I raised it for just one other reason: the way this guy died. He and Jefferson were basically the last two founding fathers still alive. Both died on the same day, July 4, 1826. Adams' last words were "Jefferson survives." Jefferson died first, but news traveled slow those days. I'm so inspired by this that I want my last words to be "J.Lo survives...." or something similar to confuse the hell out of my family members who are desperately trying to get me out from under that bus.
Thomas Jefferson Coolness: 7 Asskicking: 5 WtFitG: 10 Overall: 8	The man was a genius. Absolutely brilliant. He was a bit of a quirky president, though. He tried to be 'one of the people' by dressing down and being informal, all while drinking the best imported European wines, and such. I suppose that's better than dressing in a tuxedo and swilling moonshine out of a cracked XXX jug, but it's still a weird image. Most of his cool factor stems from all of the documents he wrote and stuff he invented, but he also pulled off the first of many Great American Grifts. Louisiana Purchase anyone? His asskicking rating is lowered by his cowardly stance on the Napoleonic wars. While I'm not a big fan of war (although I am a big fan of kicking France in the teeth), his decision was just plain stupid, and very unpopular at the time and now. See, both the Brits and the Franks were disrespecting our neutral shipping rights. So what does old Jefferson do? Places an embargo on American shipping! Way to pick up your toys and go home, buddy.
James Madison Coolness: 6 Asskicking: 8 WtFitG: 7 Overall: 8	Man, most of these early presidents are really damn good. Here we have the "Father of the Constitution." I mean, hell. Nowadays we get Nixon, "Father of the Really Bad Presidential Stand Up Comedy Bit." Anyway, Madison's coolness factor suffers because he was overly stuffy himself, even if he does look like a total badass in that particular painting. His wife was cool as hell though, so it's not all bad. And his Asskicking score is greatly improved by the War of 1812. Sure, the White House was burned down. But who won the damn thing, eh? I may be as British as you can get while having lived in Georgia your entire life, but I'm still proud that our second and final war with Britain ended with a bunch of hicks defeating the most powerful nation in the world. Again. Hot damn. And Madison was there, baby.
James Monroe Coolness: 3 Asskicking: 5 WtFitG: 5 Overall: 5	Our first mediocre president. This is about the time when slavery starts to become a problem, and Monroe certainly didn't help matters any. So why did he rate as high as he did? His foreign policy! Simply put, European nations weren't welcome here anymore. The new world? Our playground baby. We actually stood with Great Britain in this decision, so my inner Englishman is appeased by this even more so. It would be this Monroe Doctrine, still a driving force in our foreign policy, whether you believe it or not, that would raise his score here on Jux as high as it is. Unfortunately, while social science inclined person in this country knows what the Monroe Doctrine is in relation to the presidency, the average 8 year old would probably think it has something to do with Marilyn boinking a certain other president, so that didn't help his WtFitG rating much.
John Quincy Adams Coolness: 3 Asskicking: 2 WtFitG: 7 Overall: 3	Honestly, if he wasn't the son of John Adams, would anyone care? Yay, our first presidential dynasty! He built a canal and got his ass kicked by Jackson! Pass the broccoli!
Andrew Jackson Coolness: 8 Asskicking: 8 WtFitG: 6 Overall: 8	He killed a man who said "an unjust slur" against his wife. He repeatedly threatened to "crush" the senate. And did. He recommended getting rid of the electoral college (!!, HUFUCKINGZAH). Face it, the guy just kicked ass. He was nicknamed Old Hickory! Considering the constant failure of my attempts to change my name to Sprightly Maple, I know that couldn't have been easy. Let's give a round of applause for Jackson! Did I mention he was one hell of a general? That he can be quoted as saying about the Second Bank of the United States "The bank is trying to kill me, but I will kill it!", which he did? Old Hickory was a badass, plain and simple.
Martin Van Buren Coolness: 2 Asskicking: 2 WtFitG: 3 Overall: 2	Horrible depression (admittedly partly due to Jackson), stupid choices, didn't want to annex Texas because it might lead to war with Mexico...bah. If he hadn't been against slavery, this guy's entire reign would have been a wash. To make up for this, I have posted a picture of a cute hamster below.
William Henry Harrison Coolness: 1 Asskicking: 1 WtFitG: 2 Overall: 1	This guy just sucks. The only reason all of his scores aren't 1's is because some kids might remember him as the president that died after only a month. The first to die in office. What a dubious, sucky honor. I mean, he could have least died a decent death, instead of just getting a cold. No amount of cute hamsters, or even bunnies, can save this man's legacy.
John Tyler Coolness: 2 Asskicking: 2 WtFitG: 1 Overall: 2	Durhh, me do bad. Stupidy dstdisotja veto power yay! Me join confederacy later, die stupid. SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!
James K. Polk Coolness: 7 Asskicking: 8 WtFitG: 2 Overall: 6	Four touchdowns! One game! Yes, well, despite the fact you might not know much about this guy, he "re-annxed" Texas, and claimed all of the Oregon territory south of Russian Alaska (man that sounds weird) in a peaceful settlement with Great Britain. Not satisfied with that, he offers to buy California and New Mexico! Which is about half of the territory of Mexico. Not being too willing, he sends his buddy Zachary Taylor down there to rough up the Mexicans a bit, he occupies Mexico City, and we buy the whole lot for $15 million. Yeah, okay, fuel to the slavery fire, but that's a whole lot of conquesting for an American president. Go Polk! Pity no one knows who the fuck you are, eh?
Zachary Taylor Coolness: 2 Asskicking: 5 WtFitG: 3 Overall: 4	Yep, this is the guy who lead the forces down to Mexico. Not much of a president though. This is when the south was first threatening to secede, and he was prepared to occupy the whole damn thing with the army to prevent that from happening. But, right before he was supposed to have a meeting with the southern leaders about the whole thing...oop, he gets a cold and dies. Hell of a way for a general to die. His only son would be a Confederate general, kicking his dead father's memory in the teeth like a good ole' boy is supposed to. Backstabbing is what we yokels are all about.
Millard Fillmore Coolness: 1 Asskicking: 1 WtFitG: 1 Overall: 1	Best known to the world as "That President even Graeme can't remember", I think I'm going to write a song one day entitled: "Who the hell is Millard Fillmore, and why is his rotting corpse going through my garbage for change?"
Franklin Pierce Coolness: 2 Asskicking: 1 WtFitG: 2 Overall: 2	He gets a coolness point only because I feel really bad that he had to watch his 11 year old son die in front of his eyes thanks to a train accident. Anyway, so, that President who may-or-may-not-have-existed seemed to have calmed things on the civil war front down a bit with the compromise of 1850, but then this fool comes along and repeals the Missouri Compromise. Brilliant. Guerilla war in Kansas. You, sir, are a moron.
Coming Soon!	I'll post from Old Abe onward in the near future, promise!