Graeme: Graeme is actually a forty year old billionaire named Steve who lives in the Congo. He owns several companies, all under different names. Long since declared legally insane by the governments of all major nations, he rules his empire with a series of puppets. It is not yet known if he requires oxygen to live. Best friends with Jimmy Carter. Invented pants. Known to have killed more than five, but less than seven, people with a single banana.

Travis: Travis has no hands, and types with a special keyboard he invented that consists of two foot pedals and a mind control device. He moves the cursor with his nose, or with a special mouthpiece that detects various directions of blown air. This only works in spurts. His father won the nobel prize for literature with his doctoral thesis titles "How the communists are using aliens to control our thoughts with anal emissions." The prize was later taken away when it was discovered the paper had been ghost written by Marv Albert. Travis slaves away in a house built out of recycled Jim Beam liquor bottles to rebuild his family legacy. His research on white men's jumping abilities is expected to be published in 2005. Owns his very own walrus.

Kenny: Doesn't exist. You made him up. In fact, this paragraph isn't here. What the hell are you thinking, anyway?

Laurie: Has five children by four fathers; all daughters, all named Maliequa. Won the social science fair in fourth grade. Has a gold medal in marathon team sex, won at the Sydney Olympics in 2000. Is known to have more than the normal number of toes. Goes into hysterics whenever she has to style a phone; programming speed dial numbers has no effect. Once caught a fish this big.

The Jux Entente: Is run off a webserver made out of a beowulf cluster of old Teddy Ruxpin dolls. Housed in an underground storage facility in GA, this setup has a theoretical capacity of 3.4 gigaflops. Instead of hard drives, there is an array of several thousand 3.5" floppy disks. The Jux Entente was also voted #4 in a recent Time magazine survey of something about something.