I'm a fool. I've always know this, deep inside. You see, I can understand the cause and effect of any event in human history, I can create my own systems of mathematics, I can manipulate languages well. I can even cure the problems found in the relationships of others. But none of that stuff is what I want. What I want is more ethereal. Love, of course. And I fuck it up. I'm a fool, as I said. But, I'm a fool who says what he means, and I stand by my words until I am physically unable. Or I'm supposed to. Yet, I realize that I haven't been. Not only that, but at two points in my past I committed my most horrible mistakes of judgment, more so than I could possibly have believed possible. Until recently I view these two points in an entirely separate light. I won't say that I thought I had done the right thing, but I certainly thought I had done all I could at the time. Now I know this is wrong. I'm sick of this one paralyzing weakness within me. All of the mistakes in my life come from either trying to be cautious in this, the one thing I shouldn't be cautious in. I'm brave almost to the point of insanity in all other areas of my existence, I will now be so in this one. Which means I have to remove certain parts of my mental fabric which allowed me to control my emotions over certain people. I've already done so, in fact. It's what inspired this writing. A flood (actually, two separate torrents) of emotions that I had sealed away came back. I can handle it. Hell, I completely removed my sex drive, I think I can deal with a few piddling emotions, right? The scariest part is what I'm doing about Zhakrin, about Silver and Zero. I've been a dual personality for too long. My two poles, with a comical jester suspended in the middle to keep things interesting, would appear as they felt like it, causing me to switch from sweet and sensitive, loving Graeme to nihilistic psycho Graeme without my control. I'm merging these sides now. I'm not sure what will come out. Hopefully, it won't be what I was before they occurred.

But that is not my immediate problem. My immediate problem is the demanded release of these emotions which I have kept in nonexistence for some time now. They were not suppressed, that implies they were still there. No, I removed them. I've not felt anything like this in a long time. It's the same as always for me. Sure, the feelings are more powerful when they're reflected back, but the quick(er)ness of mind, the uplifting feelings throughout my joints, and of course that strange thing that seems to mull my voice. Even more so than normal, that is, since in my Silver side my voice is always soothing, or so I've been told. What all of this means is that I am at a crossroads. Actually, I've been standing at this same damn street spinning around and tossing flowers above my head for about six fucking months now. At first I couldn't see any way out of it. Now I do. It involves betraying someone who has already proved herself a Judas in her own right, hiding my intentions from another friend, and quite possibly pulling the strings of a third. All while royally fucking over someone I barely know, yet don't like. I hate this. Yet, if I had any other choice I wouldn't be doing it. I have no excuses for it. It is either sit here quietly and let myself slowly die, or cause each of them a small amount of pain and quite possibly live. None of them read this page; I will still apologize here. It is because of this darker aspect that I have come to dub this operation Black Prince. It has started already. It goes against every corner of my being to be doing this, but I know I have to. I've tried to pull myself free many times without inconveniencing anyone else in the process, without any success.

This will fail too, my brain tells me. My goal is impossible. I've always learned from my mistakes before, but all that has done is close doorways for me. So this time I'm ignoring a mistake, of sorts. I'm trying an old trick in a different way. The tactical part of my mind says it will work, but I can't trust it. I'm supposed to have backup plans for this sort of thing should something go horribly wrong, but I don't. Not having them will only give me more incentive to go forward. I've never been one to live in a shell, and I've never spent any amount of time in one. I parried each new challenge to my happiness as it came. This works, so I will keep it. What I have to do is remove the part of me which tells me to take the well paved road instead of the tunnel through the mountain. Sure, it's more dangerous. But I can handle danger.

Maybe this time I can save you. Maybe this time you can save me. This time you will see me. And this time, this time I'm going to see you, without my doubts and analysis. I need to spend some time as someone other than the consummate academic. I need to spend some time with you.